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After just having the same conversation with one of my male friends that I have had fairly consistently with my female friends over the years, I thought I would write up a blog about it. From hence forth… if you wanna know if your *person* really means what they say, read the following:

Here is the scenario… your *person* screws up. Big time. You fight/break-up/broadcast to world/whatever. You begin to put your life back together without your *person*. Your *person* shows back up with crocodile tears/pretty words/grand gesture. Your *person* SAYS “I want to change! I want you back! I miss you… I love you… I can’t imagine life without you.” So, what do you do?

I have only one thing to say to this… Do the actions match up to the words?

For example… lets just say the thing that caused the argument was that your *person* constantly belittled you and made you feel “less than” in some way. Over a long period of time, you realized, this was not a one off or some random occurrence. This is a way of life for your *person.* You confronted and asked for change. They agreed. Nothing changed. Repeat cycle ad nauseum until you finally decided it was a deal breaker. So, is your *person* really going to change this time around?

• If actions are not lining up with words… your chance of lasting change is 2%. (Yes, its an arbitrary number, but I thought 0% might be a bit harsh. After all… there is always someone out there who can break the rule) 
• If their actions line up with their words… you have a chance of true change. Lets put it at 50/50. 
• If actions not only line up with words, but they have some time under their belt where you have seen consistent change… your chance of lasting change goes up to 75%. 
• If actions, words, consistency and time line up AND you have an admission of wrong-doing and true desire to change because they do not like that about themselves… the odds get much better. Perhaps even up to 90%. 
• If you get all of the above PLUS accountability… you have struck a vein of relationship gold. Accountability (outside your relationship) can be a huge determining factor as to whether or not a person really wants to change enough to make themselves vulnerable to friends who will hold them to their word.
• But, by far and away the best scenario… actions, word, consistency, time, admission, accountability AND no reward from you. If they go off and make the change, keep it going for at least 6 months AND show back up asking for a chance after having no reward from yours truly during that period of time… you have a really good chance of actual, long-lasting true change. Just to attach an arbitrary number to it… I’d put it at 98%.

Why? Because the chances are good that they no longer want to make the change only to get you back, they truly recognize a character flaw and have taken steps to change it on their own… supplying their own rewards along the way — whether they get you back OR NOT. If you go along giving rewards (ie. break up sex/cuddles, date nights, catch up movies, daily emails or calls, etc), the person may still desire change but the motivation isn’t going to really be there to do the work true change takes — from the inside out.

This isn’t to say that change can’t take place within an ongoing relationship… you just have to be much more aware of where your *person’s* motivations are coming from. The last thing you want to have happen is for you — your *person’s* partner and peer — to become your *person’s* accountability for change. Talk about resentment from both sides. Yuck. They hate you for nagging and judging and you hate them for putting you in the position to have to do it!

A quick re-cap of what you are looking for…

• words
• actions
• consistent pattern of changed behavior
• time 
• admission of desire to change because they, themselves, don’t like the behavior
• accountability
• no reward from you needed to keep them going

And a last word to make it really really really clear: if you are getting all words and no action. Your *person* is NOT changing. They are just spinning pretty words and hoping you don’t notice that the words are changing NOTHING.